Everything You Know About Emperor Norton is Wrong
This austere fellow was once the emperor of 60% of North America.
The original Emperor Norton was a jovial, well-regarded fellow from San Francisco who lived in the 19th century. He patrolled the city and made people feel at ease throughout the turbulent years after the Gold Rush. He took the title “Norton I, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico” as his own. If you want to read the official history, you can find it all on Wikipedia. We’re not here to talk about that part. You wanna know the secret stuff. Well, we’ve got you covered.
Upon the death of Emperor Norton I, forces went into action. Super cool, clandestine forces with awesome looking swords and probably code names and stuff. The leader of this effort was Emperer Norden I. You’re going to want to read that last sentence again, and pay really close attention to spelling.
And yes, we know what you’re thinking. “That is a confusing title! I was confused!” That’s the point. Think about it. If you have enemies, what better way to confuse them than if it’s hard for them to request a meeting with you: your title and another person’s title sound the same. How are they going to overthrow your regime now? It’s confusing and it’s subterfuge! I told you this was cool.
Emperor Norton didn’t have any children, so he needed to plan his succession. He couldn’t just appoint someone before he died. This is the United States, not some monarchy. At first he planned to have a convocation¹ of eagles fly down from Mt Rushmore² to select his successor, but he just couldn’t get the birds to behave.
Some examples of very cool swords.
¹ - Yes, it’s called a convocation.
² – Mt Rushmore is the worst.
Instead, he named his favorite mule trainer – a man named Copeland Eastbeef – the first Emperer Norden, and thus began a yearslong scheme. Norton told him: “After I die, go out and find the most honorable, noble person you can, and name him Norton II.” Copeland thought this plan was great, and once the Emperor’s funeral was complete, he went looking. He didn’t go too far, so we’ll never know if Juniper Clabberpap was truly the most honorable or noble, but the first Emperer was a mule trainer, not a philosopher.
Thus the cycle was enshrined. From then on, the Emperor would appoint the next Emperer, and vice versa, upon the other’s death. Here’s a full accounting of them to date:
Norton I - Joshua Abraham Norton (1859 - 1880)
Norden I - Copeland Eastbeef (1871 - 1943)
Norton II - Juniper Clabberpap (1880 - 1937)
Norden II - Occholz Quadrupleday (1943 - 1961)
Norton III - Teela Jerm (1937 - 1981)
Norden III - Hogan Hunnicup (1961 - )
Norton IV - Sherman Lampspight (1981 - 2004)
Substitute Norton - Edward Norton (November 2004 to January 2005)
Norton IV - Sherman Lampspight (2005 - 2019)
Norton V - Topher Traphouse (2019 - )
That’s basically what we know. Does the reigning Emperor Norton have any power? Not really. He does have a lot of money and treasure though, which is cool. And he does issue a lot of decrees. He carries a sword and employs a lot of guards, which is enviable. He lives inside the western pillar of the Willie L. Brown Jr. Bridge (a.k.a. the western span of the San Francisco Bay Bridge) like a medieval castle. And he keeps sweet snacks here. So while he’s not what you might first imagine an emperor to be, he is pretty cool.
It’s the closest one. There’s an elevtor that goes up and down it. It’s super secret, and you definitely cannot visit there.
Anders’ Study Questions:
Why is the Emperor living in secret?
Is there a good reason that the Emperor hates the US government?
If Hogan Hunnicup is such a bad guy, why is the emperor so nice?
What’s Tippy Looseleaf’s connection to the Emperor and does it have anything to do with the Secret Place?
Does anyone know any good mule trainers?